Friday, April 20, 2018

Hidden Colors

"Let's make up a story together!" I playfully suggest to the currently good-humored teenage boys packed into the Micah van. "Once upon a time there was a dog--"

"And he died, the end!" Josue loudly interrupts with a flashy grin. Everyone bursts out laughing, myself included.

I try again, "Once upon a time there were two fish--"

Edward #3 doesn't like my start and goes for his own, "Once upon a time there was a huevo interrado!" Everyone (but me) laughs with him. Some sort of innuendo involving eggs.

"Once... upon... a tiiiiime--" I say with raised eyebrows. Edward #3 finishes, "There was a culebra interrada!" Another innuendo. This time involving a snake. Classic. I ignore the intended reference and try to roll with it, "--a snake who lived in the jungle, in a tree." Edward #3 ignores the continuation and repeats his innuendo. Inappropriate teenage boy joking ensues.

"Alright, alright," I roll my eyes with a grin. They're engaged enough with me that I give the storytelling one more shot:

"Once upon a time there was a blue turtle, and all the other turtles made fun of him because he was different--they'd tease him, call him names..."

For some reason, all of the boys are listening. They don't add on, though, so I keep going...

"This made the blue turtle so sad that one day he found a place alone and cried. And as he did a mermaid found the blue turtle so she asked him, 'Why are you crying?' The blue turtle told her about the other turtles--how they would make fun of him and how he didn't want to different anymore. Since the mermaid was a magic mermaid, the blue turtle then asked her if she could use her powers to make him look like the rest. 'Yes, I can, but you won't like it,' the mermaid answered, 'if I do, I must warn you, you won't be able to remember who you are anymore.' The turtle didn't care about the mermaid's warning and pleaded, 'Make me like them!' And so, she did.

And now the turtle was just like all the other turtles, so they stopped making fun of him. But for some reason, he was always sad. Something never felt right, like he was always missing something. And no matter what he did, he could never figure out why. So one day, he found a place alone and started to cry.

The magic mermaid again found the turtle and asked him, 'Why are you crying?' The turtle told her all about how he always felt sad and how nothing ever seemed right, but no matter how hard he tried, he could never figure out why. The mermaid then revealed how he had once been a blue turtle but had changed his colors to be like all the others. He had forgotten who he was, which was why he was sad.

The turtle begged the mermaid to turn him back, so the mermaid said to him, 'I have been guarding your color inside of me to give it back to you one day, but I have to warn you, when I do you will no longer have me. I have given my life to guard yours.' The turtle didn't have a choice in telling her no. After saying this, the mermaid cried, and all her blue tears fell on the turtle and turned him blue once more.

The blue turtle finally knew who he was again. And not only him. All of the other turtles changed into all sorts of colors--the mermaid had been guarding their lives, too. Now there were so many colors of turtles!

Except... they couldn't see the mermaid anymore... and yet, they had her in their hearts and in their colors, and she had even poured out her magic into them, too. The end."

After finishing my impromptu tale, I look around and my eyes land on innuendo boy. He is staring at me in awe. We fist pump, and all of us finish the van ride in silence.

Later that evening, I watch those same Micah boys put on their fanciest jeans, snazzy hats, way-too-much cologne, and cool attitudes before strolling around the neighborhood. Where did all the little boys I once knew go?

Oh my little turtles, I long for the day you will come Home... To the One who holds all your colors.

Thursday, April 5, 2018

Ogre in the Shadows

"What happened to you?" I ask little, bleeding Axelito as he attempts to slip by me unnoticed.

"Pelota," Axelito blames his blackening eye and multiple battle wounds on a soccer ball.

So caught up in my game of hide-and-go-seek with Noe and Marcos, I didn't even think to second-guess him... until Noe.

"What happened to Axel?" Noe asks me as we share a watermelon between rounds.

"Soccer," I answer as I cut another slice.

Noe rolls his eyes and scoffs, "Pelota?! Ha!"

Come to think of it, the amount of bleeding gashes doesn't really add up to a soccer ball wound... Unless he was playing a pretty vindictive version of dodgeball.

Later that evening, one of our adult educators unlocks the medicine cabinet for me. My mothering heart always finds such joy in being the privileged person to clean out these boys' wounds, even if the process is slightly painful.

"Which one of these would you rather have," I hold up a bottle of rubbing alcohol alongside an off-brand neosporin as I sit down next to Axelito. "This one will hurt, but it may be more effective, and this one won't hurt... or at least not much."

"That one," Axel points to the cream (the one I said wouldn't hurt).

Gently, I rub a little bit of the ointment onto his split-open hand.

"Oww!" he winces. Oh no, I didn't mean to lie!
"I'm sorry!" I apologize and withdraw. "I didn't think it would hurt."

Axel grins, "Just kidding," and sticks out another cut-up limb.

"You can tell me the truth, you know," I say as gently as I dab. "How did you get these wounds?"

"Pelota," Axel repeats. But this time I noticed something I hadn't before in his downcast eyes--a twinge of fear. He's hiding.

I nod. The boys know that if there's anything I don't like, it's lying.

"Well, Axel, if you did get in a fight, I want you to know that that's not how I see you," I say with a compassion that surprises myself. "I have seen you growing in maturity and patience day after day."

Axel looks forward with a straight gaze, lost in thought. And yet, as I speak, my words are finding him somewhere inside. I know this, because tears keep coming to his eyes.

"I see a good, righteous man inside of you who is coming out more and more all the time," I say as I spread some of the cream on his eye. "Covered by the blood of Christ."

After cleaning Axelito up, I hear from a tear-filled friend. More news. Heartbreaking news received from afar. A trusted adult has taken advantage of a child. I've been in that friend's shoes--I've been in that place. Receiving that news. Trust broken, heart broken. Anger, confusion, pain...

And then I think of Axelito. Afraid of the monster he is afraid he is. Masking himself with lies, trying to be who he wants to become but can't, and so catching himself in the cycle of destruction he defines himself by... So long as he is living in the dark.

Becoming an "adult" is not the magic solution. Layers of wrinkles and facial hair are only masks for a crying boy's heart. Either these abused kids will treat their wounds or they won't. And if they don't, their vicious cycle will repeat, and they will become the abuser we all so quickly condemn. For good reason. There is nothing okay with abuse. Nothing. Our brothers' blood cries out from the ground: vengeance. But the abusers were abused, too. So what do we do with that? How do we hold the cry for justice towards the abuser and the compassion for the abused in the same hands when they are found in the same person? The hands of the abused and the abuser... We need blood for blood. A sacrifice. We need Christ.



What if God hates not you but your persona?
The image you created to mask your inner ogre

Screaming, hiding, buried deep inside
Everything that’s dead feels hauntingly alive
And yet something within is desperate to be known
But so long as you keep faking, you’ll always be alone

Come to the light, Come to the light

If everyone’s a monster, is that the key to being free?
Change the rules together, quit fighting the inner demon you call “me”?
Tell me, just tell me, just tell me I’m okay!
But even if I do, your conscience knows another way

Come to the light, come to the light

Maybe, just maybe, you aren’t the  “you” you fear you are
But you’ll never find your “you” by hiding in the dark
The secret that you loathe will leak or it will shed
So nail it to that tree and leave it there for dead

Come to the light, come to the light

Your life is hidden, but not inside of you,
You’ll finally be free when you find yourself in Truth
So why not let die what is already dead?
The sentence has been written, but Christ has taken it instead



"For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God."
Colossians 3:3

A Cup of Water

For truly, I say to you, whoever gives you a cup of water to drink because you belong to Christ will by no means lose his reward. Mark 9:41 ...