And one of them struck the servant of the high priest and cut off his right ear. But Jesus said, “No more of this!” And he touched his ear and healed him.
--Luke 22:50-51
Working with teenage street boys has taught me a lot about trust. Their hearts have been broken in countless ways by the very people who should be guarding them. Sexual abuse, neglect, beatings, spiteful words, no words at all... My heart aches for the brokenness and pain that they've experienced. But, let's be honest, we all live in that same world. We've "learned" in some way or another that people just can't be trusted haven't we? Open up to someone too fast and they'll just use you, right? At least that's what we think at times.
I have a confession... I have added to the pain. I have broken hearts. I have cut off people's ears. Allow me a minute or two to explain, because chances are if you're reading this then you're probably one of the people I've hurt at some point or another.
Let me start with a quick catch up on what has initiated this embarrassing yet needed realization... One of the kids I'm working with here stole my heart from my very first visit. I quickly began to chase after his heart, pushing through the punky attitude and relentlessly digging in deep. By the Lord's grace, there were some sweet moments where he allowed me in. But give me an inch and I go a mile--I pressed my love and care upon him with such intensity and rapidity that I drove him away... For a long time, I couldn't figure out why.
In the past few months, God has slowly been revealing to me how love is patient and looks out to others interests above their own. And as I look at my own "love," I am seeing more and more how I have selfishly gone after hearts, opening wounds and leaving them unattended. I have pridefully believed the lie that I am the one that people need, the one that should be allowed in. And one of the greatest weapons I've yielded that has caused such pain in others is my questions. Please forgive me friends, family, and even strangers for using questions, which are meant to have their time and place, to charge my way into tender places which aren't always mine to visit. At times I also have done the injustice of grasping tightly onto tender hearts that were never mine to hold. I have often shoveled opinions and convictions on top of gently sprouting flowers, burying them in the process. And for that I am so so sorry. Forgive me for my sword swinging.
But I do have good news in all this. There is a time for using the swords. Placed in the hands of a surgeon, a carefully, well-directed knife does great wonders. Tucking the word inside my heart, I know I have a powerful tool for God's kingdom. It's not bad to have a sword! Did you know that just a few verses before the passage I listed above has Jesus telling his disciples to take a sword with them (Luke 22:36)?!? Heart questions are great and needed. BUT they must be guided by him and for him to truly love the recipient of the asking. Even better news? The ears I've cut off are tenderly mended by the love of Jesus. I take comfort in knowing that there's no wound I've inflicted that my God will not mend and use as an opportunity for an intimate touch by his very hand. Friends, family, barely known acquaintances--your hearts are beautiful, and Jesus has been pursuing and wooing them from the beginning. I delight in knowing that by the Lord's grace he sometimes lets me have moments to look in, but even if he never does I believe whole heartedly that he sees you fully. And he loves you. And he is trustworthy to hold your heart and never break it.
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