Looking Ahead

The end of a matter is better than its beginning, and patience is better than pride...

Do not say, "Why were the old days better than these?"

For it is not wise to ask such questions...

Consider what God has done.

Who can strengthen what he has made crooked?

When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad consider:

God has made the one as well as the other.

Therefore, a man cannot discover anything about his future.

--Ecclesiastes 7: 8, 10, 13-14

Getting to know kids in the lobby
at the opening performance of Bunnicula

After spending the past hour driving around Houston--lost as usual, I had a solid amount of time to reflect a bit on the past few weeks.  (I don't know why I keep trying to find new, more efficient ways to get places when all it does is take triple the amount of time and gas, but I digress...).  Anyway, one of the main things that has been on my mind lately is pressing onward.  Running the race God has laid out before me--no turning back!

As I move forward, I haven't forgotten where I've been.  Though difficult at times, I am learning not to get stuck in the things-were-so-much-better-when trap, while still recognizing that I have such incredible roots.  I am so blessed to have attended such a great college, worked at such a fabulous camp, performed in powerful shows, etc.  I love where I've been, and I deeply treasure the relationships I've formed along the way.  And I like to think that part of my present is taking the past with me.  For as Jesus said to the paralytic he healed by the side of the pool,"Get up!  Pick up your mat and walk!"  Jesus could have told him to leave his mat behind, but he has him carry it with him!  As I'm finding a new life here in Houston, I'm finding that it's not so much leaving a place behind,but rather taking it with me in my heart.

Dancing like crazy to some good ol' T Swift at Young Life Club

And, speaking of the present, one of the biggest things God is teaching me at the moment is an awareness of my own brokenness.  For a while, I felt pretty bogged down by the brokenness I saw around me.  After following Steve Smallegan's advice to pray into the brokenness I saw, God then opened my eyes to numerous situations of my own personal brokenness.  I can't say I enjoyed the grand reveal of  Kelsey-Doesn't-Have-It-All-Together Issue 7,000,000,892. Nevertheless, this initially uncomfortable perspective changed everything for the better.  Instead of trying to be Miss Fix-It down here, I'm learning to appreciate where we're at on the way to where we're going.  Nope, my workplace, church, community etc. here aren't perfect... BUT NEITHER AM I.  Kind of takes a load of pressure off.  My job is to surrender my heart to God and to do the task he has set before me.  He's taking care of the big picture.  Good thing, too!  The world is far better off in his hands than mine.  Obviously.

And, I must say, I present is pretty sweet.  Sure, I'm often restless, not always feeling settled, and dreaming wildly of what could be, but there's so much to be enjoyed here!

I am officially a team member of Lamar High School Young Life!  Bring on the clubs, team bonding, football games, pies in the face, deep faith convos meet shallow boy talks, lunches in the cafe, and all sorts of fun!  Tomorrow my friend Christen and I are even leading the next skit series where we will be Russian ballerinas auditioning students for the ballet! 

I have been getting to know lots of amazing people at my church (including Christen!).  There's a great ministry for 20-somethings where there's always something going on--serving meals to the homeless, attending a Greek festival, and volunteering for a marriage conference (to name a few!)

Passing out Halloween candy with Christen Hood!

And even amidst the monotonous emails and too-fancy-for-Kelsey clothes (i.e. they have buttons), there is so much to be enjoyed at work!  Rehearsals for Four Maps to Bethlehem are a blast!  Who wouldn't want to spend their afternoon pretending to be a mom, Jewish pregnant woman, British angel, Southern Shepherd, and Middle Eastern wiseman!?  I've had the opportunity to substitute teach for a couple drama classes--translation: going on dinosaur hunts, playing goofy games, and acting out the 3 Little Pigs with ten year olds.  I'm able to put my artistic abilities to use by making my own coloring pages of our children's shows for "promotional use" while listening to Disney/Jonsi Pandora stations for inspiration ;).  I've spent a Saturday at the zoo introducing our children's theater mascot Taa-Daa the bug to lots of cute kids in their Halloween costume.  I even got to help the Wildlife Center bring in a real screech owl to yesterday's performance of Bunnicula... If you ever catch me complaining, remind me of these things, will you?  No, they don't happen all the time, but they still happen!  And when they do?  Gold, I tell you, gold.

These are just some of the blessings God has brought me in Houston, but I haven't forgotten all of you back home!  I love taking time to pray for all y'all (Colossians 1:3-14!) and the times we're able to connect via phone, internet, snail mail, etc.  I am finding a new-found appreciation for Paul the apostle.  I understand his longing to return to the people he has poured into, but knowing that it is God who has done the work and will continue to work even when he is gone.  I am so proud of all of you--my family and friends who are so committed to your faith and the tasks God has assigned you!  Keep perservering (James 1:2)--God is doing great things, and I'd love to hear more about them!  Write, call, what-have-you!  But even more importantly, let's pray for each other, because I'm realizing that, through Christ, we're really not that far away after all! =)

Present Living

The longer I go without blogging... the harder it is to blog at all.  Why?  Stories seem to add up more than our national debt, and I never know quite where to begin.  But I am deciding right now that I will not leave this entry beating up on myself with the "Oh shoot I should have talked about ____!"  or "Was ______ really the best story I could have shared?!" that are typical to the overanalyzation that is Kelsey Cratty.  I'm just going to wing it, and hope that I can offer you a little something to brighten your day, inspire the masses, and change the world (kidding... but that would be sweet wouldn't it?!?).

Picking mushrooms by the side of the road
sure seemed like a good idea at the time...

I have had quite a bit of ups and downs since being here.  It feels like one minute all I want to do is fly back to Michigan, curl up on the couch with my friends, eat popcorn, and watch the Lord of the Rings, and the next minute I imagine all the plays I'd like to see us doing at A. D. Players in the next few years and ways I'd like to get involved with the community.  Homeless drama ministry anyone?!  Sounds great to me!  But brand new to all my dreaming, instead of simply excitement for the possibilities, I often find myself getting somewhat "stuck."  As much as I love the potential of this new place, it scares me that those possibilities might become a reality when deep down I want to go back home (to Michigan, to Katie Garrett's bizarre antics, to Camp Geneva, to Laura's nobody's-ever-heard-of-this-movie-before movie nights, to Wyldlife...).  But what good is that going to do?!?  Jesus tells us not to fear!  We are also told not to worry about tomorrow... So why do I?  I shouldn't!

So I decided... not to.  What's the point of figuring life out when it's going to happen on its own anyway?  Then came the brilliant idea: instead of wondering whether or not I like it here (which I do--I just miss home sometimes), why not spend my time trying to figure out how I can be a blessing to others?  Duh duuuh, I'm sure you could've told me that one a month ago!  And, let me tell you friends, this mindset makes aaaaall the difference!  Who needs an encouraging word today?  What can we do to add a little sugar and spice to the monotony?  Etc.


And OH MY GOSH God provides!  After hanging out with a group from church at a Greek festival, I started walking back to my car.  Being alone in a big city, per usual, lots of guys were friendly enough to offer a walking buddy or ride... which I, per usual, turned down.  If it's a busy city then there are more people to witness anything, so I'm set.  That's my philosophy anyway.  EXCEPT, on this particular night, for some reason I accepted a ride that two guys from my church offered.  One of their friends was picking them up... and low and behold when his car pulled up it had a YOUNG LIFE sticker on it!  I immediately introduced myself--I've wanted to do YL since I got here.  Not only was it just any YL leader, though, Nay nay!  He was the leader of Lamar High School--just a block from my theater, and they meet at the church where our theater hosts children's performances!!!!  Coincidence?  I think not!  I went to their club Monday night and fell in love!  I already met a few high school girls I can't wait to get to know better!

Dinner with Hannah and friends every Wednesday!

Other than that, I've been learning a lot about being faithful in the small things.  Not everything I'm assigned here am I particularly "in love" with--I do a lot of office work.  Emailing and calling schools, sending out calendar ads and emails, etc.  (In order to compensate for the long hours at a desk, I often go on runs during lunch break and to the amusement of my co-workers I rarely use my chair haha).  When we are faithful with little, though, God will make us faithful of much!  Already I've had so many blessings.  I got cast in the children's Christmas show--it's a 3 person cast of a mom (me!), a dad, and a ten year old kid (I GET TO HAVE A CHILD!  YES!!!).  It's going to be tons of fun because the mom and dad play all the different roles in the nativity story (diva angels, prudish British wise men, etc.).  SO FUN!  Also, I just got asked to sub for one of the Theater Arts Academy classes on Monday.  I just spent the past hour brainstorming with my friend/co-worker Braden about lesson plans... Guess what the lesson theme is... DINOSAURS.  Yup, I get to play dinosaur theme games and go on an imaginary dinosaur hunting adventure FOR. MY. JOB.  Granted, that's not my job, all the time... but I treasure the moments here that remind me why I love theater =).

Some random events and so forth that might be entertaining to y'all:
1.) Met up with a random Hope grad living in Houston who I'd never met (we had a mutual friend and got in contact), and I went with him (in a car with a stranger and a dead phone as I realized after the fact) to his friend Tony's 4 year old daughter's birthday party... Neither of us knew the rest of the family... I didn't even really know him... and I also, much to my dismay, realized I didn't know that much Spanish.  Crazy.  How do these things happen in my life?  I will never know.
2.) I'm known to far too many as the girl who goes barefoot.
3.) Performed a few scenes for an intern showcase... Such fun!  The interns I work with are such fun--we love each other =)
4.) My great friend here, Hannah Rode, is "moving" back to Chicagoland today.  She will be missed, but we're all hoping she comes back to stay after Thanksgiving ;)
5.) No, I don't want a relationship right now, and, no, that does not mean I am a nut job.  Well... yes I kind of am, but for many other reasons.
6.)  Created a Bucket List O' Fun for a really awesome friend back home... If you or a friend is feeling down, I highly recommend this.  And it's probably way more fun to write than it is to receive haha.  Some ideas to get you started: write a story about a billy goat and find 3 people you don't know and play "London Bridge."
7.) Once Upon a Time--thank you for living up to the incredibly epic, adventurous, magical reputation you made for yourself last season.  I still love you.
8.)  Still seeing lots of butterflies.  From the glittery butterfly t-shirt worn by a Disney channel character to the beautiful monarch that flew across my path as I was reading in Mark, God never ceases to amaze me with his daily reminders of his loving presence.

Well, friends.  Family... Random creepers even-- Sending lots of love your way.

 "I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers." --Ephesians 1:16

Trusting through the Transition

"Foxes have holes and the birds of the air have nests, but the Son of man hath not where to lay his head." --Luke 9:58

Every single day I have been in Houston I have seen a butterfly.  Whether it's a monarch that flies in my path or a pair of earrings worn by someone I meet, butterflies just keep turning up.  It's not really an emotional or exciting experience for me--it's more like my manna: my daily reminder that God is with me.  And like the Israelites in the desert, there are days when it doesn't quite feel enough.  God, I know you're with me, but are you sure this is where I'm supposed to be?  Am I doing any good here?  Did you really bring me here.  Each butterfly, though I often don't even realize it, and frankly sometimes I feel sick of it (though I know I'm not), is my little reminder: "Yes, Kelsey, I brought you here.  Yes, Kelsey, I am with you.  Keep going."  Alright, God, I'll keep going.  I don't feel at home yet, but I'll trust you.  It's not easy, but I will...

The last couple of weeks have helped me develop somewhat of a routine.  I am still waiting on my car (it's coming tomorrow!), so I've been transportationally at others' disposal.  This is a humbling yet rewarding experience.  It's difficult to constantly ask for help knowing I'm interrupting others' schedules, but through my reliance on others my schedule has become subject to theirs.  I'm learning submission and being content wherever and with whoever.  Not only that, but my lack in the vehicle department has allowed me extra time with friends like Hannah Rode.  I love how much time I've gotten to spend with her--she's becoming more like family.  It's amazing to me how valuable the relationship becomes when we spend time just BEing together--not arranging for a meeting and a life catch-up, but just doing daily life with someone else.  And Hannah is a wonderful, encouraging, inspiring woman of the Lord, and I am extremely thankfully that God has placed us in each other's lives for such a time as this.

I am getting adjusted to my job here at A. D. Players a bit better, too.  The office (PR) side is still going to take some work.  I've spent a lot of my time at jobs and in environments where I am constantly living into my gifts and passions.  PR, at least for now, is not exactly what I'd call my "calling" in life.  I'm not bad at it, but it's definitely more of a "job."  Such is life, but I'm seeking ways to enjoy myself and to learn, while also waiting on God in hopes that once I've proved myself faithful he has something more up his sleeve that will really tap into how he has uniquely created me.  I'm especially hoping that pretty soon I'll be able to get involved with TAA (Theater Arts Academy) here so I can be around kids again.  Taking a break from being with kids, though, has been a great reminder for me that I really do love it.

I also had two auditions here last week.  I have yet to hear back about them, but even a simple 30 minute session of reading from a script gave me the boost of energy/joy I needed to re-excite me about this place.  I felt good about the auditions, too.  I may not have gotten either role (although I hope I did!), but either way I walked out confident that this is something God has gifted me in.  I have a lot to learn/grow, but this is definitely an appropriate path for me.

OH!  And suuuuuper cool audition story!  At our first audition, we each had to take a form and a writing utensil.  I didn't take the time to pick my preference, I just grabbed whatever I could get.  As I was filling out my sheet, I noticed that the pencil I had nonchalantly grabbed was A SPIDERMAN PENCIL.  Of all the pencils I could have gotten, I GOT A SPIDERMAN PENCIL!?!  And the fact that they even had a SPIDERMAN pencil boggled my mind.  I literally danced around when this happened, much to the confusion/disinterest of everyone around me...  I didn't care ;).  In that moment I knew, God is with me.  It doesn't even matter if I get the part or not, because the God of the universe cares about me enough to give me a SPIDERMAN pencil.  Haha.  Ya, I probably sound silly, but for me, it's the little things in life that bring me the most joy!  (In case you don't know me that well/couldn't figure it out from my repetition and caps lock usage--I really love Spiderman).

Other than that... Ten random insights into life a la Kelsey: 1.) I love my friends/family/mentors--thank you for all the encouragement and support!  2.) Traffic/driving is crazy confusing here.  3.)  I still lose everything--some things never change   4.)  No, I still will not go on blind dates with your 30 year old friends, Ben  5.)  Clay pens are just as fun to make at home as they are at camp  6.)  Good community/living for God is harder to find outside college, but it'll get there  7.) Andy Stanley sermons are THE BEST--northpoint.org/messages, check 'em out!   8.) dancing around like a maniac never gets old--especially when done with close friends  9.)  I miss me some Manna Church and good ol' Camp Geneva  10.) One of the exciting but absolute hardest thing about transitions is that nobody knows where you've been.  Yes, it's fun to start new things, but I am really learning to appreciate how beautiful it is to be known.

New Beginnings

        Quick summary of the week's events...  Survived the 20+ hour drive to Houston with some great Joyce Meyer cds, a healthy sampling of Lion King tunes, and the expected amount of bickering/differences of opinion.  Apparently my mom isn't as keen on incredibly cheap motel prices in exchange for the smoke, sticky surfaces, stains, and dirt smudges.  My philosophy--as long as we don't die.  Her philosophy--dying would have been better. Moved in and settled with a super cool roommate who is as obsessed with Batman as I am with Spidey.  No car and living 20 minutes away from the theater in a gated community--never thought that would happen!  Thankfully that makes all of my friends and family feel a little bit safer with my lack of inhibitions, but I'd be sleeping over in a back room of the theater since it sounds like I'll pretty much be there every waking moment anyway.  Went to church on Sunday with my dear friend Hannah Rode and volunteered with her brother at his church on Monday.  Started work at the A. D. Players yesterday.   My main focus during the day as an Acting Intern will be PR (today that meant a lot of *COUGH* organizing... I was praying to God for help the entire time... ha) and the Theatre Arts Academy with afternoon acting classes with the artistic/founding director Jeanette Cliff-George, an 87 year old woman with tons of talent, spunk, and a beautifully spiritual connectedness to theatre/life.  It might be a while before I'll be able to perform since a few of the first shows were already cast before I got down here and there's a toooon of incredible talent within the company already, but performing isn't why I'm here anyway.  Yeah, that's what I love, but what I love more is God and following his leading--this is where he lead me, so I'm ready for whatever he has in store for me! (Which, at least somewhere in the future, I do hope includes some stage time... ;D).

        Alright, time to put a magnifying glass to my quick glimpse at the whirlwind of events and get my take on this whole transition. Thankfully, living in the present is something I've been focusing on for years, so going with the flow hasn't been too hard on me.  But I must say, for one of the first times in my life I really do miss people.  My community in Holland is incredible.  I really found a place and purpose there.  I miss my friends, mentors, teachers, neighbors...  The people I've met are incredible, but they're not my family.  Houston is a great adventure, but it isn't home.  I know if this is supposed to be long-term, it'll get there, just like it did in Holland, but if not, this is such a great learning experience and such a beautiful reminder that no matter where we are in the world we aren't really "Home" yet, anyway.

        Going to church on Sunday was such a beautiful reminder of this. Right before Hannah texted me to go to church, I was overcome with a huge sense of smallness.  My first night I wasn't sure how to be myself around people--I felt alone, shy, and blank--a wallflower taking everything in instead of engaging alongside everyone.  The next morning I had an incredible devotion.  God reminded me that I am valuable simply because I am HIS, not because of my personality, talents, or anything I have stashed in my bucket of uniqueness.  I am loved because I am his.  This was such a humbling yet freeing reminder that gave me the boost of confidence and energy I needed to step out with Hannah's church community, and I did!  It was such a beautiful morning--people sharing God's word, worshipping, and fellowshiping.  I c
ouldn't stop smiling!  I was overcome by the re-discovery of God's eternal and omniscient presence.  He is with us ALWAYS and EVERYWHERE.  And not only that, but God's family is everywhere!  It was so amazing to me how quickly I connected with the community at Hannah's church, simply because our purpose being there was rooted in Christ.  We are a family!  Sure, this part of my family is more like going to a reunion with third-cousins you've heard about on occassion, but, nevertheless, family they are!  And when we had communion, I was reminded that I am connected to my friends and family back home by that table.  I got to share a meal from afar with so many of the people I cared about.

        So in summary?  I'm doing well.  No, It's not easy, but it's good. Why?  Because God's in it.  He's with me, behind me, and before me. He ain't lettin me go, no sirreeee.

**Butterfly sighting of the week:  Jan, Hannah Rode's mom, brought me to her house for dinner last night and there were butterflies hanging on the door and above the dinner table.  Apparently she bought them in honor of her sister who passed away a few years ago and told her kids that anytime they see a butterfly to think of her.

Flying Away

Butterflies are everywhere.  Granted, it is that time of year, but I never noticed before how frequently they appear in day to day life.  Flitting around flowerbeds, shimmering on a little girl's clothing, tattooed on a woman's shoulder blade--I can't seem to escape them (not that I'd want to).  I have to be honest, though, it has only been recently that I've noticed their constant presence.  I don't think butterflies have become any more "in season" or any more noticeable than before... I just hadn't been looking.

A little over a year ago, I went on a long walk to have a conversation with God.  It was my third summer at Geneva, and though camp is the greatest community I've ever been privileged enough to be a part of, on that particular day I was battling feelings of loneliness and insignificance.  I knew these were only feelings and not reality.  I knew God loved me and had given me a purpose, but that day I couldn't quite get the truth to wash over my insecurity.  So, as I walked along Lakeshore Dr., I hesitantly asked God if he would show me that he loved me. Now, I say hesitantly not because I didn't think he could or would, but because I didn't want to test him or be ungrateful for all the ways he had already given me so many tangible signs of his love.  Nevertheless, my tiny little prayer was answered immediately.  Before I even finished uttering my request, a beautiful butterfly (the first one I'd seen all summer) flew right in my path and landed on a flower right next to me.  With the butterfly's entrance, I sensed a whisper to my heart, "You're beautiful... I love you."

Ever since that moment, I've started to see God through the butterflies in my life.  There have been countless occurrences where a butterfly will pop into view at the exact moment I start to feel lonely, disheartened, or purposeless. In fact, during my last few days in Holland, when I wanted nothing more than to stay, I decided to go on a run.  As I was heading out, I began thinking about all of the people I wanted to stay connected with, and the idea for this blog popped into my head--the Chasing Butterflies title was my immediate inclination ;).  And AS SOON as I thought this, a beautiful monarch butterfly flew next to me, through the gate of Geneva Pines, and off into the world.  Metaphorical much?  In that moment it was as if God reminded me that he loves me and is with me even as I fly out of Geneva and into the unknown.   

Yes, I am aware that these are just butterflies, and, yes, they are everywhere... But so is God's love, isn't it?  God loves us all the time.  Always and Everywhere.  God loves me waaaaay more than the amount of butterflies I have seen and ever will see.  Even so, everytime I see a butterfly, it's a simple reminder that God loves me.  And the funny thing is, with each passing day I seem to see more and more butterflies.  More importantly, every day brings me more and more awareness of God's love.  And, yes, it's summer, so there are lots of butterflies to see, but when it's winter, I will look back and remember this moment.  Just because I can't see the butterflies, doesn't mean they are gone, and neither is God's love for me.

And so... this blog.  This blog is for the summer and the winter, the spring and the fall.  As I live my life, I want to look for and chase after the butterflies... I want to seek God with my whole heart and proclaim his faithfulness!  God is good, and he loves us.  A LOT.  His love is everywhere, whether we notice or not.

***Fun side story.  When I got home to Rockford, IL I realized that the street I've lived off of since I was 7 means "butterfly" in Spanish!  =)